Xorbus McCracken — The Man with the Mechanical Mind — is best known as one of Supernaturalist Wilfred Woolfitt’s greatest adversaries.

And perhaps their most notorious clash was chronicled in ‘The Case of the Clockwork Teeth’ — a dastardly scheme carried out against the British Confectioners Smeets Sweets in order to position the German candy manufacturers Wunderschmack as the greatest in the world.

McCracken employed all this evil cunning to bring about Smeet's destruction.

And he would have succeeded too, were it not for Woolfitt.

But that’s another story.

Instead, let us look at some of McCracken’s most Twisted Inventions!

1. The Terror Umbrella

2. McCracken’s Suffocating Pantaloons

3. Dart Gloves

4. Clockwork Teeth

5. Music Hall Automatons

6. Atomic Over-Feet

7. Poison Udder Gas (in ‘The Case of the Farm of Death’)

8. The Discouraging Brain Ray

9. Intelligent Porridge

10. Exploding Eel Pies

11. Steam-Powered Chimps

12. Miniature Eyelid Blimps

13. Nostril Guns

14. The Giant Mechanical Foot of Swindon

15. Dimensional Cufflinks

16. Pocket Traps

17. Sommelier Assassins

18. Whispering Ink

19. Books with Wildly Inappropriate Endings

20. McCracken’s Kraken Snacks

    

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    Of course, Xorbus McCracken was not the only one with a few tricks up his sleeve….

Forward by Dr. Ernst Flugelmann

The positions one takes in relationship to the wider world and universe is very important.

For instance, if one’s thumbs are aligned incorrectly at midday on a Sunday, it can mean bowel weakness.

Alternatively, if the position of one’s feet during one’s mid-morning nap is too wide, then one is almost guaranteed the post will be late.

We, as superior mystical beings, (and the progenitors of alien intelligences of even greater pneumatic power many millennia ago) are very much like fronds of seaweed that dance amidst the currents of the ocean.

Whilst it seems impossible for our gentle swaying too weak to truly affect the mighty deep, if positioned correctly, we might have the strength to change the very tides!

Your regime — for Beginners

Monday

Arise between 6.17 and 6.27 and immediately strike the Pose of the Yearning Water Buffalo (See 12.3) before exhaling until there is a distinct tingling at the back of one’s knees.

Vigorous hair scratching is then encouraged, before a light skipping to the upturned stool which you would have prepared the night before.

Nod towards the four corners of the Universe while acknowledging Hecate, before assuming the Frenzied Ant (See 14.7), with knees crossed, and teeth clenched.

Quickly slide into the Eel of Untold Puzzles (See 20.1), before tapping one’s nose against each of the stool’s upturned legs and shouting out the mantra: ‘I am the universe, the universe is me, I smell the universe, which I have lately discovered smells distinctly of marzipan.’

Then give a small cry of expulsion, and end the session by flipping the stool, taking a seat, and offer a small prayer to the Cup of Dionysus.

Pick up one’s slippers with one’s teeth and begin the day with a soft-boiled egg.

If self-improvement is your thing, then why not consider the many potions, elixirs, and tonics of Dr Hillman Fogswatter?